But… there is nothing on it? When the estate agency said ‘wide open spaces’, I certianly did not think they meant this! I guess it is ironic, it explained the emptiness I felt. Look how small and insignificant I am.
Mom had opened savings accounts for Evangeline and I to be released when we became YA. It was not much yet, but I used that to buy this… open expanse of nothingness…
It’s hard to mention their names… it makes my chest constrict… it makes me get short of breathe… when I think of them… of that night… sometimes the panic overwhelms me and I pass out. I know it is silly, I know things are the way they are, because they are… but still, I cannot fight the fear. I just feel different. I feel lost and incomplete, and I can’t think of that night without fear, or even my future for that matter.
I am not optimistic, I am not a “happy-joy-gay” sim… I am sad… I am alone.
Are people looking at me? Do they think I am strange, do they see me sweating, battling to breathe, panicking? Could they be my enemy? Could they be the ones who killed my family? Do they know that mom was a thief? Do they judge me because of it?
I don’t mind that mom was a thief, she was not a bad person. She did not kill people. She just stole things, rich people paid mom to steal stuff, usually their own stuff for insurance purposes. Is that really a bad thing? Maybe not, but it taints me and makes me dirty… and people know, I know they know, I know they talk, I see it when they stare at me.
And then of course, there is my habit… I cannot stop it, it is genetic afterall… I am a kleptomaniac… it is like a stigmata in a way.
Dr Frinkleton said they are ‘panic attacks’… he said I have Social Anxiety Disorder. Even before I start life out as a YA, I am branded. “Look, there goes that SAD! sim.”, as they point and look and laugh at me.
Dr Frinkleton cannot help me anymore though, he is in Riverview, he is in my past. He refers me to Dr Lippinschnickin. I hope I can survive without calling him.
I pull my chin up, and I become practical. Obviously I need a bed, I am not one for “ants in my pants”. There is one other thing that I know will give me peace… I buy a guitar.
Have you ever noticed the ants on a picnic blanket? * I bet you answered…no *
Something happens in the park, the last possible thing I could have imagined for myself. I find a friend.